I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the whole “back to school” season, which feels different this year with my nephew starting his first year of college. It’s such a big deal, and I’ve been feeling that tug-of-war between wanting to check in a lot as I’m curious about all his new experiences, and knowing I need to give him the space to figure things out on his own. It got me thinking about how hard it can be for the parents, grandparents, and close family left behind, when someone we love heads off to college. As an aunt who doesn’t live close to my nieces and nephew, my experience is a bit different. I’m used to only seeing him during visits, and texting here and there about football, future visits, and big activities, yet I still feel this sense of loss now that he’s off at college, like he’s somehow further away than ever before.
Here are some things I’ve been thinking about for both myself, as well as clients that are experiencing and talking about this massive transition.
It’s Okay to Feel All the Feelings
It’s totally normal to have multiple feelings at one time/mixed emotions—proud, sad, and maybe even a little lost. It’s rare that any experience will leave us feeling only one thing. There’s a real mix of emotions when someone you care about starts this new chapter. You’re excited for them, but there’s also that sense of, “Wait, what happens to us now?” It’s not only okay to feel it all, but also normal, and to talk about it with friends, a partner, or anyone who gets it can be so very helpful.
Finding a New Balance and Staying Connected Without Smothering Them
For parents, it can be a hard shift from being the person who’s been so involved in every detail of your kid’s life and seeing them/communicating with them daily and having natural “check-in” times such as breakfast, dinner, or weekends, to suddenly feeling like you’re on the sidelines. I’ve been learning to tread lightly with my nephew—checking in without bombarding him with questions (despite my natural and professional instinct to get curious and ask about all the things). It’s about finding that sweet spot where you’re still present and supportive but not overbearing.
It’s so hard, I want to hear everything about his new life—his classes, new friends, what the food is like, what his room looks like, is he happy, homesick – this list could go on. I want to share what college was like for me (all those years ago) and import some “wisdom” from an adult perspective. But I also remember being that age and wanting some freedom to figure things out without feeling like someone was constantly checking in, granted we had a different freedom when I was in college- not having a cell phone and all. I’m learning to let him come to me with his stories if/when ready, and make sure to be fully present and really listen when he does.
Ideas:
- Set up a regular time to catch up, like a quick Sunday evening call. It gives them space to breathe and you something to look forward to.
- I’m trying to keep my check-ins short and sweet and let him take the lead on sharing details. It’s more of a “Hey, thinking of you! Hope you’re having a great week!” rather than a detailed Q&A.
Filling the Voids
If you’re feeling like there are big gaps in your days where you used to spend time with your kid you’re not alone. This is significantly true for parents who find themselves as empty nesters- a term realized in the 1960s. The phrase reflects the emotional and social adjustments parents often face when transitioning from a life centered around raising children to one focused more on their own interests, relationships, and activities, alert- major transition!!!
Recommendations:
- Taking time for oneself-having time to do the things that you really enjoy- or things you only had time to do on vacation, such as reading, painting, long walks on the beach, and exploring new places.
- Parents, this could be a great time to reconnect with each other or even explore new interests that maybe got sidelined while raising kids.
Knowing When to Reach Out for Help
Sometimes these transitions can feel heavy and lonely. If you’re finding this a challenging time, don’t hesitate to reach out for support—chatting with friends who are experiencing the same thing can be extremely helpful, find an online social media group with members of shared experiences, or if you need a resource that’s a little more structured you could join a support group that meets weekly/monthly, or reach out to a therapist. It’s okay to need a little help navigating big changes and it’s good to talk.
Wrapping Up
So, yeah, this whole “back to school” thing isn’t just a big transition for the college student; it’s a big shift for us too. As with any big change, finding new ways to connect, establishing a different routine and remembering that it’s a time of growth… for all of us. Knowing that you’re not alone, and this is a “normal” experience can be helpful too. Change is hard and it will take time to adjust!
